Discouragement in Spades

I had this whole big, bright, cheery post planned out for today, including pictures that I’d already processed last night.  All I had to do was write it up today and then post it.  But that was last night.  Things changed this morning.

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I posted that I weighed myself and was up yet again?

That weight is more than 6 pounds above my current goal weight, more than 8 pounds above my original goal weight (before I had my original issues with maintenance).  It’s also 4.5 pounds above my pre-marathon weight.  If you don’t remember, when I posted that, I said I didn’t want to talk about it.  I was frustrated, because I don’t feel that I’ve “fallen off the wagon,” but despite the fact that I am trying, I’m still gaining. :/  After that particular weigh-in, I decided, for the first time in 2 years, to just say screw it. I didn’t go crazy or anything, and I still tracked every day, but I decided to actually use all my weeklies, and not be quite as stringent on my portion sizes.  I had the attitude that if I was going to keep gaining weight, at least I could enjoy eating as though I was trying to gain it.  After a weekend of the most laissez-faire eating I’ve done in a long time, I weighed in Monday morning.

Well, that certain showed me, didn’t it? 😛  Clearly, lazy eating isn’t my friend.  After that unpleasant surprise last week, I came back to reality, and I changed my tune.  I weighed and measured nearly everything, but most importantly, I vowed to myself that I was going to avoid my biggest temptation: the chocolate at work.  It is so abundant on people’s desks, and I won’t lie…I take it way more often than I should, but I figure that it counts as the weeklies I don’t use.   I’ve actually been snacking on the chocolate since I began my weight loss journey, and I figured if I could lose almost 40 pounds with my little extra treat, well, I can afford it.

But last week, I knew something had to change, and so that was one of the things that had to go.  And you know what else went?  Wine.  Okay, not totally.  But I vowed off wine all week long, only indulging on Saturday when my in-laws came over to celebrate Father’s Day.  I was so good all week…and believe me, it was hard!  Have you ever seen the movie “Airplane,” when the air traffic controller keeps joking about picking the wrong week to give up his vices?  Well, I had a terrible week at work, and every night when I came home, I joked to my husband, “I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.”  😉

I planned to make a treat for my mother-in-law’s birthday over the weekend, a strawberry shortcake.  It was my first time making it, but I love strawberries and cake, so I made sure to save up all my activity points for the occasion.   So after all that hard work, I did enjoy three pieces of this on Saturday.

They were small pieces, honest!  And you have to admit–it’s damn pretty. 🙂

On Sunday, I was right back at it, with a grilled chicken salad at dinner.  I had part of a banana muffin when I helped clean up after the church breakfast, but I tracked it!  Monday presented a bit more of a challenge.  I had to get up at 4am to take my sister in for surgery.  We arrived at the hospital at 5:30am, and, stupid me, I forgot to bring any kind of snacks.  Her surgery took nearly three hours, and then of course there was pre-op and post-op time, and then getting her settled in her room.  By the time we were done, I had been at the hospital for NINE hours–without bringing myself anything to eat!  I went down to the snack bar around 9am, when it was pretty much lunchtime by my internal clock, but instead of getting the big hunk of coffee cake that I wanted, I went to the Subway and got an egg white and ham sandwich on flat bread with nothing but veggies and a little cheese…and I tracked it.  At noon, I was starving again, but I discovered a low-fat granola bar in my bag, so I had that.  I finally left in the mid-afternoon, and I was happy to get home and have a real salad. (My sister is home now and recuperating, and feeling well, all things considered. Good thoughts and prayers are appreciated!)

I had a 3-mile tempo run on the schedule yesterday, but I obviously couldn’t do it before leaving for the hospital.  So, despite the fact that it was the hottest day of the summer so far…

…I still managed to put in a true tempo run, with a moderate start-up, a 9:47 middle mile (slightly faster than my race-pace), and then an easy cool-down.  My overall pace for 3.5 miles was 10:15–doesn’t sound like much for a girl who ran her last 5k at a 9:25 pace, but dude…did I mention it was 90 degrees?!

Dinner last night was a hamburger with no bun, a baked potato with light margarine, light sour cream, and a sprinkle of cheddar cheese, corn, and 4oz of wine (because I earned it!).   I went to bed early, and had planned to do my regular Tuesday easy run at 5am, but our power went out, and my alarm didn’t go off. :/  I’m lucky I woke up when I did!

So, after all that effort this last week, I jumped on the scale this morning, ready to see my success.  And here’s what I found:

I’ll bet you can imagine the curse words that spewed from my mouth.  To say I was angry, upset, frustrated, pissed…yeah, none of those words were strong enough.  To not have a loss was discouraging enough, but a 2 1/2 pound gain?!  What the f…??!!  I was so positive that the scale had to be wrong, I used a trick my friend Katie taught me…I went in the back room, got two of my husband’s 15-pound dumbbells, and put them on the scale.  I was positive it would weigh at least 3 pounds heavy.  The verdict…

You have got to be f’ing kidding me, right?

And, yet, the truth is…I do feel fat.  Okay, fat is relative…I’ll say “fatter.”  My pants are tight right now.  I have three pairs of size 4s that I wear for work, and I had to resign them to the back of the closet and pull out the 8s.  Usually, the 8s are swimming on me, even when the 4s are a bit snug at certain times of the month.  (I went right from 8s to 4s when I was buying clothes last year, so 6s aren’t an option.)  Unfortunately, they are definitely not swimming on me now.  They’re pretty close to “just” fitting. 🙁

I’m so discouraged and frustrated.   I know I am gaining weight, but I honestly don’t know what to do differently.  I have not fallen off the wagon…I’ve not been perfect, but to be almost 13 pounds above my goal weight?  That just seems impossible.  This week especially, I worked really, really hard.  I am honestly at a loss for what to do now.

Maintenance, in case you didn’t know, is really, really hard.  Harder than losing, I think.  Because maintenance…never ends. :/

Thank you for reading.  I do appreciate it. Even when my posts are less than Suzy-Sunshine positive.