Comparison is the Thief of Joy

I haven’t focused on my weight in a while, but I think it’s time to do that.  I actually sat down this week and took a good, long look at my statistics over the last three years (the period since I made Lifetime with Weight Watchers), and I took the time to write it all out so that I could try to make sense of what the heck has been going on.
Here’s the recap:

• I made Lifetime at Weight Watchers in June 2012. At that time, I weighed 120 pounds.
• I started running just before I made Lifetime (I had previously been speed walking, but this was my first time ever running—ever!). By the end of 2012, I was at 113 pounds. And damn, that felt good!
• I trained for a half-marathon in spring 2013, but got injured and had to stop running for about 4 weeks. I subsequently gained a little weight, and although I was able to run again and complete 3 half-marathons that year, I inched up to about 118 by the fall of 2013.
• I began training for my first marathon in December 2013, and was able to get back down to 113 for a time (January and February 2014). By the time I ran the marathon in April 2014, I was once again at 118.
• After that marathon, I struggled for the entire summer of 2014. My weight got up to 120 right after the marathon, and by the fall, I was up to 125. After Christmas, I hit 126.
• I started training for my second marathon the week before Christmas 2014, and for this training program, I ran 5 days a week (previously, I was only running 4 days.) I started shedding a few pounds, and by March, I was down to 119 (the first time I’d been below 120 in ten months).
• By the time I ran the marathon at the end of April 2015, I was back up to 123, and after the marathon, I continued adding weight and eventually hit 128 by the end of June. This, despite the fact that I was still running 5 days a week (though not nearly as many miles as at my peak mileage in March.)
• At the end of June, once I’d hit that high weight, I decided to see what changes I could make to help me get back down to a better weight. I chose 120 as my goal, just because it seemed more attainable that 113 or even 115 (my previous “goal” weight for pretty much all of 2013 and 2014). The changes I made were:
  • I gave up chocolate for three weeks entirely. The first week I gave up chocolate, I lost the two pounds I’d gained the prior week (which I think came from the stress of hockey tryouts), but after that, I didn’t lose any weight. I’ve introduced it back into my life a little bit; now and again I’ll have a single piece, or some chocolate syrup on my ice cream. But the big change I made was to no longer have Hershey’s kisses…at all. Giving them up at home wasn’t too difficult, but it took me a while to get over the “trigger” of always needing my chocolate fix after I had lunch at work.  It was surprising how addicted I was to them!
  • I went three weeks with only using half my earned activity points.  I tend to earn a lot with all the running (I’m training for a fall half-marathon right now, and can earn around 60 per week with the other activities I do.) I lost a little less than a pound the first week, but I’ve stayed the same the last two weeks.

When I weighed myself on Monday, I discovered that I stayed the same as the previous week.  In fact, I took a good long look at my progress over the last 12 weeks since I ran my marathon, and guess what?

No change. Not even an ounce.  I weigh exactly the same now as I did since the week after I ran the marathon.  *sigh*  That wouldn’t be so frustrating if I hadn’t been implementing all these different changes in my habits to try to actually LOSE weight.

So then I thought I’d check to see where I am now versus this time last year.

It turns out that I’m up about a pound over the course of a year. I realize that it’s certainly better not to have gained substantially in a year, but considering I’ve been in “weight loss” mode for the entire time, I’m not very happy with these results. 🙁

This year-long plateau (actually, it’s been about 15 months, starting right after my first marathon in April 2014) is really killing me.  It’s depressing and keeps me from enjoying what should be a great time in my life.  I mean, when I look at it from an outsider’s perspective, my life is great!  I have a wonderful family, a fantastic job that I love, I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been, and yet—I’m constantly feeling frustrated, upset and sad about my weight.  My clothes don’t fit the way they did back in early 2014, and I just feel “fat” compared to how I used to be.

After a lot of thinking and pondering this week, I really wanted to see how the “used to be” version of me compared to the current version.  So, I pulled out a couple of pictures that I think about often.  The first is a picture that was taken the week I hit Lifetime.  I had bought a pink shirt a few weeks earlier, and though I usually detest pink, I really loved that shirt because it was the first “skinny” shirt I’d ever bought.  I just loved the way I felt when I wore that tiny, fitted shirt.  And I especially loved how skinny I looked (at least, in my mind) in the picture of me wearing that shirt.

I was wearing the shirt on Wednesday this week (I still love it), and I thought often about that old picture and wondered if I still looked the same when I wear it.  So, when I got home, I decided to have Jamie take a picture of me in it, so I could do a true comparison.

So, can you tell which one is from three years ago, and which one from two days ago?  Take a look at them both closely for a minute and see what differences you can find.

Okay, now that you’ve made your guess, I’ll tell you:  the one from this week is on the left, and the one from three years ago is on the right.  I suspect most people won’t be able to see the difference. (Well, except for the fact that I clearly have much better control of my hair these days than I did three years ago!)  But I can see it right away:  my belly.  My stomach was so much flatter back then. 🙁  And I know that’s where I’m carrying all my extra weight these days.  I can feel it in the way my pants fit and I can definitely see it in that picture.  And yet, I’m not really sure why my belly has gotten bigger…I do strength training and ab exercises twice a week now, and have for well over a year. I sure wasn’t doing those things three years ago!

I know that the reality is, the difference between the two pictures is pretty small.  And considering they are three years apart, that’s actually pretty awesome, right?  And yet, I still feel “fat” compared to that other picture.  So much so that I decided to do another comparison picture today.

I have a couple of bikini posts that you can go read when you’re bored, here and here. Like lots of formerly overweight women, I had issues with wearing a bikini and did not even own one until I was in my 40s and had lost a significant amount of weight. Even then, it was still difficult to actually put it on, and even more difficult to be seen in public with it. Honestly, it still is, but I do it because it’s the only suit I have that fits. :p

Two years ago, when I bought the black bikini I have now, I had Jamie take pictures of me wearing it, because I wanted to see what I really looked like.  Once I saw the pictures, I was surprised to find I wasn’t horrified.  I wasn’t overly ecstatic, but I felt like I did justice by that bikini, to the best of my ability, anyway. Last year, I wore the bikini to the water park at Six Flags, and I had someone take a picture of me with my son and nephew.  I knew I was feeling heavy at that time, and when I saw the picture, I was really discouraged.  I definitely felt like I was “plumper” in that picture than the one the year before.

Fast forward to today. I still wear that bikini every time I go in the pool—when no one but my family is around, at least. :p  I fret about it now and again, but mostly, I just like the fact that it’s comfortable and easy to get in and out of, which is important when I’m rushed after my morning post-run pool dips.  I wore it this evening to lay around in the pool reading my book, and I decided to have Jamie take a picture so I could really compare.  I won’t make you guess this time: the one from 2 years ago is on the left, and the one from today is on the right.

Again…I can see a definite difference in my belly.  It’s not nearly as flat as it was just two years ago.  And yet, I can’t give you a definitive reason why.  (But at least I can feel good knowing my hair looks a hell of a lot better!)

So that’s where I’m at.  The scales says I’m “plumper,” and the pictures do, too.  I know I shouldn’t be fretting so much about this…as the title of this post so correctly points out, comparison is the thief of joy.  But in my case, I’m not comparing against anyone but myself…a younger, thinner version of myself.

So, although I’m still frustrated and would desperately like to have a solution, I’ve decided I need to step back from the negativity.  I’m going to start eating all my activity points again, and all the chocolate, too. (Well, not all the chocolate. I really don’t need it.) I’m going to do some research to see what I can do to help with my mid-section weight gain (it’s soooo tempting to click on those stupid “Try this one weird trick to lose belly fat!” ads…but don’t worry, I won’t).

In the meantime, I’ve started training for the Detroit Women’s Half Marathon with my two running buddies, Ann and Toddra, and I’ve even been doing speedwork, including—gasp—intervals.  Did I mention I hate intervals? 😉 But I know lots of people swear by the High Intensity Interval Training, which I think sounds miserable, so those are as close as I’ll allow myself to get to it. I did 7x400s this morning, and I think I hyperventilated in rep #6. :p

Thanks so much for all the support, and thanks for reading this rather whiny post, lol!